Taxes, budgets, Ontario

Flying squirrels, sex, and the Premier of Ontario

A sex scandal has rocked Ontario. Well, perhaps rocked is not the right word; its more like pebbled. Sex scandals are not uncommon in the world of electoral politics and its nice to know they can happen even in staid Ontario. But alas, as PC Party leader John Tory noted in a weekend press release, this scandal involves rodents.

Last June Premier Dalton McGuinty created the Ministry of Research and Innovation (or as it known, MRI, which ironically is the same name as the machines that Ontarians fill up waiting lists for) and appointed himself to be the Minister in charge. Three months later, MRI awarded $150,000 to assistant professor Dr. Abrecht Shulte-Hostedde of Sudburys Laurentian University to study the sex lives of flying squirrels. Noting that the government is just days away from bringing down a budget, Tory said, "For $150,000 to be spent on this after Dalton McGuinty brought in the biggest tax increase in Ontarios history is inexcusable." The Opposition Leader later added that someone should take McGuintys government credit card away from him. Not a bad idea.

We all remember when a campaigning Dalton McGuinty looked right into the camera and, with a straight face told the electorate that they wouldnt have to pay one penny more in taxes under his government than they were paying under the previous Conservative government. Then after the Liberals came to power, McGuinty imposed a new health tax that he tried unsuccessfully to pawn off as a health care premium and not a tax. With Daltons track record on taxing and spending, it really isnt surprising that he has spent 15 million of the taxpayers pennies on a study about the sexual activities of rodents.

Okay, enough of all this negative talk; lets look at the upside. Surely we can find something good in all this. Dalton created a new ministry to deal with innovation and, of course innovation means doing something that has never been done before. It is highly unlikely that a detailed study of the sex life of a flying squirrel has never been undertaken before so this study may actually constitute something that is innovative. This might actually be one of the few times since he became premier that Dalton McGuinty has had a close encounter with the truth. John Tory should be praising him for that.

The province is always spending money to promote Ontario and the $150,000 that was forked over to study the sexual lives of the provinces flying rodents is at least generating some free publicity. Last December, the website, www.tabloidcolumn.com came out with its "Top 20 Most Outrageous World Stories" of 2005. Although flying squirrel sex didnt make the top 20, it at least got an annual mention. Of course, it was up against some stiff competition including the guy in England who awoke from heart surgery to discover that all of his three wives were visiting him at the same time and the woman who is now a licensed pilot in Saudi Arabia, a country where she is forbidden to drive a car. The province really cant buy publicity like this. Well, actually it can and does but you get the point.

Having committed the funds to this obviously important research, we are lucky that Dalton and his government are tax and spend Liberals. We wont have to remain in suspense and the government will no doubt distribute a glossy brochure to every home in Ontario advising us what Dr. Shulte-Hostedde learned from his study regarding how flying squirrels get it on. Lets face it--inquiring minds want to know.

It is hard for Ontarians of a certain age to think about flying squirrels without remembering the most famous flying squirrel of all--Rocky of "Rocky and Bullwinkle" fame. Come to think of it, has anyone noticed that Dalton McGuinty bears a slight resemblance to Bullwinkle the Moose?

Its all starting to make sense now.

Arthur Weinreb is an author, columnist and Associate Editor of Toronto Free Press. His work has appeared on Newsmax.com, Men's News Daily, Drudge Report, Foxnews.com, Glenn Beck and The Rant. Arthur can be reached at: Columns 2006 '05 '04 '03 '02 '01 '00 1999 Media 2006 '05 '04 '03 '02 Toronto 2006 '05 '04